Resetting your inner critic. How to talk to yourself like you are someone you care about.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my forties, it’s that the way we speak to ourselves matters just as much as how we train or eat. For years, I measured progress only through effort, how much I weighed, how hard I pushed, how disciplined I was, how little I indulged. But by my early 40s, I realised I was exhausted, not just from the workouts, but from the running commentary in my own head.

That quiet, constant self-criticism, "you should be further along, you should be fitter, you should be coping better", is what slowly drains our motivation. You can’t build a strong body on a foundation of self-rejection.

1. The Voice That Shapes Everything

We all have that internal dialogue. Sometimes it’s encouraging, other times it’s brutal. Most midlife women I work with are far harder on themselves than they’d ever be on anyone else.

But your inner voice is not the truth, it’s a habit, a loop formed over decades of expectation, comparison, and survival.

The first step to quieting it isn’t to silence it, but to notice it. To recognise when you’ve slipped into the old story: I’m not doing enough; I’ve ruined it again; I’ll start Monday. Awareness interrupts the cycle. Without that awareness, the critic runs the show, and your emotions will be in the driving seat.

2. Rewiring Your Brain (The Science Behind Kindness)

Every time you catch yourself in a spiral of negative self-talk, choose a gentler response. This action in self-awareness and breaking the negative loop is helping to literally rewire your brain. This isn’t self-help fluff, it’s neuroscience. When you replace self-criticism with curiosity (why do I feel this way? What would help me right now?), you engage the prefrontal cortex, the rational, calm part of your brain, rather than the limbic system that reacts from fear or shame.

Over time, this practice lowers cortisol, reduces reactivity, and helps you make better choices. It may not be obvious at first, but it can be seen in ways such as being less reactive in stressful conversations, removing yourself from a situation and going for a walk instead of reaching for sugar, or training because you want to move your body and feel different way, not because you’re punishing yourself.

3. Borrowing Calm: How Meditation and Breathwork Help

I was the biggest sceptic there is when it comes to meditation. I was so dismissive of this practice. I came to it reluctantly at a point in my life when I had exhausted all other avenues, but I'm so pleased I did. Meditation has been the most powerful tool I’ve found for managing my inner critic and my stress levels. It’s not about sitting cross-legged in silence; it’s about creating space between thought and reaction.

Deepak Chopra’s guided meditations taught me to focus on the present moment when I was starting out, while Dr Joe Dispenza’s visualisations helped me imagine a future self who already feels grounded and whole. Both work for me at different points in my life, along with sound bath healing frequencies.

The science bit: When you meditate, your brain shifts from high-frequency beta waves (stress) to slower alpha and theta waves, the state where creativity, intuition, and emotional regulation live. It’s like giving your nervous system a chance to exhale. That’s where self-compassion starts to grow.

4. Strength Training as a Mirror

If meditation feels out of reach right now, strength training is the physical proof that you are the architect of your life. Every rep becomes evidence that you have the ability and the choice to create change.

Your body doesn’t lie. When you start to move with better balance, lift a little heavier, or notice yourself recovering faster, it’s a direct reflection of your consistency and self-belief. It’s not luck or genetics, it’s you, showing up for yourself.

Getting stronger also manifests as you starting to trust yourself again and what you are really capable of, not the negative narrative that can spin on repeat in your head. You begin to understand that progress isn’t about perfection; it’s about repeating small acts that reinforce the truth that you are capable. Strength training teaches this lesson more clearly than almost anything else I know.

5. The Confidence Curve

Confidence isn’t a personality trait; it’s a muscle built through consistent self-trust and that takes action. I have learned, through creating a business, that confidence lies on the other side of every uncomfortable action I need to take to achieve the outcome I want. Public speaking, social media content, I'm unsure about, and just generally having to put myself out there daily, not only builds confidence but also reinforces self-trust. Even if things don't turn out perfectly, which often they don't, I still tried, and that changes how I see myself. Just like strength training, it's the small, repeated efforts over time that actually morph into something much bigger.

Finally...

The inner critic isn’t real, it’s just a narrative that loops in your mind, gathering power only when you believe it. You have to make an active decision to ignore it, or it will keep taking the wheel.

Here’s what to remember:

1. Notice it, don’t feed it. Awareness breaks the loop. You are not your thoughts, you’re the one observing them.

2. Find your pause. Whether through meditation, breathwork, or lifting weights, create space between thought and reaction. That’s where calm lives.

3. Build evidence for belief. Every workout session, every small act of showing up, or removing yourself from a situation, reminds you that change is possible, and that you’re already doing it.

When you live from that place, the inner critic loses its hold, and strength, both mental and physical, becomes your new default.

If you’re ready to start taking action and building both physical and emotional strength, my Monthly Membership gives you the structured workouts to do exactly that, all from home.

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“You are not what you think. You are the awareness beneath the thought.” — Eckhart Tolle