Friends

I didn’t grow up feeling rooted in friendships. Moving between two households, eleven schools, and then a boarding school meant I kept people at arm’s length. I learned to believe that taking up space or needing others was too much, and that belief followed me well into adulthood. I avoided close female friendships, worried they’d ask more of me than I could give.

In my 20s and 30s, I often felt disconnected, like I was always just outside the circle. Female friendships seemed to require a kind of openness I didn’t know how to offer. Looking back, those early disruptions weren’t just about changing schools. They taught me to associate intimacy with instability. It’s taken a lot of inner work to reclaim the part of me that longed for deeper connection but didn’t know how to ask for it.

Over time, I’ve come to see that the walls I built weren’t to keep others out. They were to protect the most vulnerable parts of me that I hadn’t yet learned to share. Fast-forward to today, and I would be lost without my female friendships. I have some wonderful girlfriends who have quite literally kept me afloat.

When you’re in a romantic relationship, it’s easy to hide behind your partner and let your friendships fall away. I know I did. I thought my partner could be everything: my best friend, my emotional support, my entire village. But with hindsight, I wouldn’t recommend it. There are parts of us that need something only close female friendships can offer, a separate emotional layer, a different kind of reflection, and a sense of belonging that isn’t tied to romantic love.

The psychological trap here is mistaking protection for connection. When we shut others out to stay safe, we also shut ourselves off from the possibility of being fully seen. That protection becomes isolation. Reversing that takes effort, but it’s worth it.

I wish I had understood that sooner. I feel like I’ve lost years in this part of my life, and I’m only just now making up for it.

How has female friendship shaped your life?